“Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.”
I am not okay.
I haven’t been for a while. But if you know me, you know I don’t like to admit that. I like to think I have my life all together and I’m perfectly fine, but I’m not. I’m working on being more vulnerable and opening up about what’s been going on in my life recently. So I decided to post it on the internet where anybody can read it. (kinda terrifying for me)
This past year has been horrible. Great and amazing things have happened and I’m so thankful for those happy moments. But this year as a whole had been really rough. I have dealt with a lot of death. I don’t even want to count the amount of funerals/memorial services I’ve been to. From the death of a baby, to two double funerals, my friend, my amazing instructor, and more.
I want to think I’ve handled it well but I haven’t. My friend Alyssa who died over six months ago I think of every day and every day I cry from the pain. My karate instructor, who was so much more to me that that, recently passed away and I can’t even begin to know how to move forward from the loss.
I suffer daily with anxiety. I never know how I’m going to react. Every day I deal with anxious feelings, tenseness, and uneasiness. Some days, I can barely be around people at all. I frequently, way to frequently than I’d like to admit, have anxiety/panic attacks. These happened before all of the sorrow and death, but have increased recently.
It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted from the pain and heartache. I’m exhausted from constantly fighting tears and sadness. I’m tired of being afraid of how things are going to affect me or how I’m going to react. I’m tired of wondering who is going to die next and what’s the next thing that’s going to cause me pain before I can heal from the last painful event. I’m tired of constantly dealing with anxiety. It’s just tiring.
I’m starting counseling/therapy which I am praying will help, because I really need help. It’s hard because I have amazing friends, a loving family, a wonderful, incredible boyfriend, and college is great, but there’s all this hanging over it, wearing me down.
I’m trying my best, and I want to be better. That’s why I am starting counseling.
Life is hard.
I know I will be better, but right now, I am not okay. I ask for your prayers as I learn to navigate through this hard thing called life right now. We all go through tough times, I’m just ready for this one to be over. Thank you for letting me share a small portion of the things I am going through and letting me be vulnerable.